This is what everyone assumes postpartum is right? Pure bliss with this little bundle of perfection you and the love of your life created.

I mean if we’re being honest most of what we see on social is this amazing snap back after birth. Women looking like everything is perfect, their bodies, their homes, their routines… but what no one talks about is THE TRUTH.

I’m here to tell you that shit over here is NOT PERFECT. We’re a mess. Having an emergency c section 8 weeks early, leaving my newborn baby boy in a NICU while my husband and I came home, then living on an hour of a sleep at a time at my parents house so we could be in the NICU with him was the hardest thing we have ever done. Not to mention completely having to ignore the tremendous abdominal surgery you just had, pretending like it never happened. Just because women get c-sections all the time doesn’t make it hurt less. Let alone the comments people made not realizing their ignorance. “You have the highest paid babysitters while he’s there” or my favorite “at least your get to sleep while he’s there” … all comments coming from well intended people trying to make me feel better but in reality only enraged me considering I would have given anything just to bring him home with us. I hate to even admit it but even the jealousy of watching other moms get to have their babies in their hospital rooms and bond and hold and breastfeed them was enough to make me cry, daily, which I did. They say the NICU experience can only be understood by people who have lived it and I am 100% sure that’s accurate. Unless you’ve experienced what it’s like you would have no idea the type of PTSD you get from it. The parents in the NICU joke, this experience is a bad roller coaster and we’d like to exit now.

Fast forward to the sentence “we can discharge you guys it’s time to take him home” the sentence we waited almost a month to hear, the best day of our lives for sure… coming home with him was everything but the comments again like “oh well it’s over now you can just move on…” I’m not sure you ever do just “move on”… As a new first time parent you worry about everything already, now imagine that just 100X worse, hearing the phantom beeps of the NICU monitors even once you’re home or waking up every 5 minutes to watch his chest move up and down. Watching this little miracle thrive after he defeated the odds and just praying you can keep them safe. Worrying about RSV and COVID and who is within 15 feet of the baby….

Then in the same moment catching a glimpse of your new body while you’re holding your baby boy and cringing at the fact that you still look pregnant… wondering if your body will ever resemble what it used to? The same belly and body that people asked to touch and love on just 1 month ago leaves with you feelings of shame and disgust.

Or how about breastfeeding… the one thing everyone pushes so hard the moment after birth. “Are you breastfeeding” everyone will ask… and even though I am or at least trying to for that matter I’m dealing with a whole different set of issues because being ripped from your son right after birth and not being able to touch or hold him for days doesn’t exactly lend to the ease of milk production. Then add to that he’s a preemie and doesn’t have the ability to nurse yet since he wasn’t ready or fully developed. Yea bet you didn’t know that theres a real reflect called suck, swallow, breath. It’s a real thing. So you pump. You pump every two hours, you sacrifice the only sleep you can get, your hire lactation consultants and read every online article you can find just to what…. make sure you can tell people that you’re breastfeeding and avoid the looks of death by telling them no?..

Then no one talks about the financial struggle many people deal with during these times. If you’re self employed like me there’s no such thing as maternity leave. When you’re out you’re unemployed and that takes its toll as well. Worrying if everyone will remember you once your back or if you just ruined your career by taking a few weeks to be home with your newborn. Let alone that even if you’re not self employed and you do have maternity leave it’s not nearly long enough in America and how about the Dads?? Do they not count ?! Just because they physically didn’t give birth are they not entitled to time off to bond with their child and help the mother as they recover and navigate this new difficult time?? Why is paternity leave not as important??

I could go on and on…

All of these things have been weighing on my mind and heart these last few weeks and if they’ve impacted me I know for sure they have to had impacted someone else along the way.

If you know someone who is pregnant or just gave birth please be kind… please think before you speak… please check in on them, ask how you can help. Thankfully I’ve been blessed with an incredible support system but what about those who aren’t as fortunate?

Giving birth is hard… everyone’s experience is so different but I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to feel completely overwhelmed, you don’t have to feel guilty if your not all smiles, rainbows and butterflies. You don’t have to have it all together you don’t have to snap back. You can still be grateful for the biggest blessing in your life even if you’re dealing with difficulties as well. This is your journey. This is my journey and this is postpartum.

And I hope it goes without saying that even through all this getting to experience postpartum is a blessing because there are so many who have trouble conceiving or have had child loss.